ACT II. ACT II. SCENE I.— A Street . Enter SERJEANT TROUNCE, DRUMMER and SOLDIERS. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Come, silence your drum—there is no valour stirring to-day. I thought St. Patrick would have given us a recruit or two to- day. SOLDIER. Mark, serjeant! Enter two COUNTRYMEN. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Oh! these are the lads I was looking for; they have the look of gentlemen.—An’t you single, my lads? FIRST COUNTRYMAN. Yes, an please you, I be quite single: my relations be all dead, thank heavens, more or less. I have but one poor mother left in the world, and she’s an helpless woman. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Indeed! a very extraordinary case—quite your own master then—the fitter to serve his Majesty.—Can you read? FIRST COUNTRYMAN. Noa, I was always too lively to take to learning; but John here is main clever at it. SERJEANT TROUNCE. So, what you’re a scholar, friend? SECOND COUNTRYMAN. I was born so, measter. Feyther kept grammar-school. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Lucky man—in a campaign or two put yourself down chaplain to the regiment. And I warrant you have read of warriors and heroes? SECOND COUNTRYMAN. Yes, that I have: I have read of Jack the Giant Killer, and the Dragon of Wantly, and the—Noa, I believe that’s all in the hero way, except once about a comet. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Wonderful knowledge!—Well, my heroes, I’ll write word to the king of your good intentions, and meet me half an hour hence at the Two Magpies. COUNTRYMAN. We will, your honour, we will. SERJEANT TROUNCE. But stay; for fear I shouldn’t see you again in the crowd, clap these little bits of ribbon into your hats. FIRST COUNTRYMAN. Our hats are none of the best. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Well, meet me at the Magpies, and I’ll give you money to buy new ones. COUNTRYMAN. Bless your honour, thank your honour. [ Exeunt .] SERJEANT TROUNCE. [ Winking at SOLDIERS.] Jack! [ Exeunt SOLDIERS.] Enter LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. So, here comes one would make a grenadier—Stop, friend, will you list? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Who shall I serve under? SERJEANT TROUNCE. Under me, to be sure. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Isn’t Lieutenant O’Connor your officer? SERJEANT TROUNCE. He is, and I am commander over him. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. What! be your serjeants greater than your captains? SERJEANT TROUNCE. To be sure we are; ’tis our business to keep them in order. For instance, now, the general writes to me, dear Serjeant, or dear Trounce, or dear Serjeant Trounce, according to his hurry, if your lieutenant does not demean himself accordingly, let me know.— Yours, General Deluge. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. And do you complain of him often? SERJEANT TROUNCE. No, hang him, the lad is good-natured at the bottom, so I pass over small things. But hark’ee, between ourselves, he is most confoundedly given to wenching. Enter CORPORAL FLINT. CORPORAL FLINT. Please your honour, the doctor is coming this way with his worship—We are all ready, and have our cues. [ Exit .] LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Then, my dear Trounce, or my dear Sergeant, or my dear Serjeant Trounce, take yourself away. SERJEANT TROUNCE. Zounds! the lieutenant—I smell of the black hole already. [ Exit .] Enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS and DOCTOR ROSY. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I thought I saw some of the cut-throats. DR. ROSY. I fancy not; there’s no one but honest Humphrey. Ha! Odds life, here comes some of them—we’ll stay by these trees, and let them pass. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oh, the bloody-looking dogs! [ Walks aside with DOCTOR ROSY.] Re-enter CORPORAL FLINT and two SOLDIERS. CORPORAL FLINT. Halloa, friend! do you serve Justice Credulous? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. I do. CORPORAL FLINT. Are you rich? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Noa. CORPORAL FLINT. Nor ever will be with that old stingy booby. Look here— take it. [ Gives him a purse .] LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. What must I do for this? CORPORAL FLINT. Mark me, our lieutenant is in love with the old rogue’s daughter: help us to break his worship’s bones, and carry off the girl, and you are a made man. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. I’ll see you hanged first, you pack of skurry villains! [ Throws away the purse .] CORPORAL FLINT. What, sirrah, do you mutiny? Lay hold of him. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Nay, then, I’ll try your armour for you. [ Beats them .] ALL. Oh! oh!—quarter! quarter! [ Exeunt CORPORAL FLINT and SOLDIERS.] JUSTICE CREDULOUS. [ Coming forward .] Trim them, trounce them, break their bones, honest Humphrey—What a spirit he has! DR. ROSY. Aquafortis. O’Con . Betray your master! DR. ROSY. What a miracle of fidelity! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ay, and it shall not go unrewarded—I’ll give him sixpence on the spot. Here, honest Humphrey, there’s for yourself: as for this bribe, [ takes up the purse ,] such trash is best in the hands of justice. Now, then, doctor, I think I may trust him to guard the women: while he is with them I may go out with safety. DR. ROSY. Doubtless you may—I’ll answer for the lieutenant’s behaviour whilst honest Humphrey is with your daughter. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ay, ay, she shall go nowhere without him. Come along, honest Humphrey. How rare it is to meet with such a servant! [ Exeunt .] SCENE II.— A Garden . LAURETTA discovered. Enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS and LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, you little truant, how durst you wander so far from the house without my leave? Do you want to invite that scoundrel lieutenant to scale the walls and carry you off? LAURETTA. Lud, papa, you are so apprehensive for nothing. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, hussy—— LAURETTA. Well, then, I can’t bear to be shut up all day so like a nun. I am sure it is enough to make one wish to be run away with—and I wish I was run away with—I do—and I wish the lieutenant knew it. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. You do, do you, hussy? Well, I think I’ll take pretty good care of you. Here, Humphrey, I leave this lady in your care. Now you may walk about the garden, Miss Pert; but Humphrey shall go with you wherever you go. So mind, honest Humphrey, I am obliged to go abroad for a little while; let no one but yourself come near her; don’t be shame-faced, you booby, but keep close to her. And now, miss, let your lieutenant or any of his crew come near you if they can. [ Exit .] LAURETTA. How this booby stares after him! [ Sits down and sings .] LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Lauretta! LAURETTA. Not so free, fellow! [ Sings .] LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Lauretta! look on me. LAURETTA. Not so free, fellow! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. No recollection! LAURETTA. Honest Humphrey, be quiet. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Have you forgot your faithful soldier? LAURETTA. Ah! Oh preserve me! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. ’Tis, my soul! your truest slave, passing on your father in this disguise. LAURETTA. Well now, I declare this is charming—you are so disguised, my dear lieutenant, and you look so delightfully ugly. I am sure no one will find you out, ha! ha! ha!—You know I am under your protection; papa charged you to keep close to me. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. True, my angel, and thus let me fulfil—— LAURETTA. O pray now, dear Humphrey—— LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Nay, ’tis but what old Mittimus commanded. [ Offers to kiss her .] Re-enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Laury, my—hey! what the devil’s here? LAURETTA. Well now, one kiss, and be quiet. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Your very humble servant, honest Humphrey! Don’t let me— pray don’t let me interrupt you! LAURETTA. Lud, papa! Now that’s so good-natured—indeed there’s no harm. You did not mean any rudeness, did you, Humphrey? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. No, indeed, miss; his worship knows it is not in me. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I know that you are a lying, canting, hypocritical scoundrel; and if you don’t take yourself out of my sight—— LAURETTA. Indeed, papa, now I’ll tell you how it was. I was sometime taken with a sudden giddiness, and Humphrey seeing me beginning to totter, ran to my assistance, quite frightened, poor fellow, and took me in his arms. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oh! was that all—nothing but a little giddiness, hey! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. That’s all, indeed, your worship; for seeing miss change colour, I ran up instantly. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oh, ’twas very kind in you! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. And luckily recovered her. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. And who made you a doctor, you impudent rascal, hey? Get out of my sight, I say, this instant, or by all the statutes— LAURETTA. Oh now, papa, you frighten me, and I am giddy again!—Oh, help! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. O dear lady, she’ll fall! [ Takes her into his arms .] JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Zounds! what before my face—why then, thou miracle of impudence!—[ Lays hold of him and discovers him .]—Mercy on me, who have we here?—Murder! Robbery! Fire! Rape! Gunpowder! Soldiers! John! Susan! Bridget! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Good sir, don’t be alarmed; I mean you no harm. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Thieves! Robbers! Soldiers! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. You know my love for your daughter— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Fire! Cut-throats! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. And that alone— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Treason! Gunpowder! Enter a SERVANT with a blunderbuss . Now, scoundrel! let her go this instant. LAURETTA. O papa, you’ll kill me! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Honest Humphrey, be advised. Ay, miss, this way, if you please. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Nay, sir, but hear me—— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’ll shoot. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. And you’ll be convinced—— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’ll shoot. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. How injurious—— JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’ll shoot—and so your very humble servant, honest Humphrey Hum. [ Exeunt separately .] SCENE III.— A Walk . Enter DOCTOR ROSY. DR. ROSY. Well, I think my friend is now in a fair way of succeeding. Ah! I warrant he is full of hope and fear, doubt and anxiety; truly he has the fever of love strong upon him: faint, peevish, languishing all day, with burning, restless nights. Ah! just my case when I pined for my poor dear Dolly! when she used to have her daily colics, and her little doctor be sent for. Then would I interpret the language of her pulse—declare my own sufferings in my receipt for her—send her a pearl necklace in a pill-box, or a cordial draught with an acrostic on the label. Well, those days are over: no happiness lasting: all is vanity—now sunshine, now cloudy—we are, as it were, king and beggar—then what avails—— Enter LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. O doctor! ruined and undone. DR. ROSY. The pride of beauty—— LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. I am discovered, and—— DR. ROSY. The gaudy palace—— LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. The justice is—— DR. ROSY. The pompous wig—— LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Is more enraged than ever. DR. ROSY. The gilded cane—— LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Why, doctor! [ Slapping him on the shoulder .] DR. ROSY. Hey! LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Confound your morals! I tell you I am discovered, discomfited, disappointed. DR. ROSY. Indeed! Good lack, good lack, to think of the instability of human affairs! Nothing certain in this world—most deceived when most confident—fools of fortune all. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. My dear doctor, I want at present a little practical wisdom. I am resolved this instant to try the scheme we were going to put into execution last week. I have the letter ready, and only want your assistance to recover my ground. DR. ROSY. With all my heart—I’ll warrant you I’ll bear a part in it: but how the deuce were you discovered? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. I’ll tell you as we go; there’s not a moment to be lost. DR. ROSY. Heaven send we succeed better!—but there’s no knowing. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Very true. DR. ROSY. We may and we may not. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Right. DR. ROSY. Time must show. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Certainly. DR. ROSY. We are but blind guessers. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Nothing more. DR. ROSY. Thick-sighted mortals. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Remarkably. DR. ROSY. Wandering in error. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Even so. DR. ROSY. Futurity is dark. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. As a cellar. DR. ROSY. Men are moles. [ Exeunt LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR forcing out ROSY.] SCENE IV.— A Room in JUSTICE CREDULOUS’ House . Enter JUSTICE CREDULOUS and MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Odds life, Bridget, you are enough to make one mad! I tell you he would have deceived a chief justice; the dog seemed as ignorant as my clerk, and talked of honesty as if he had been a churchwarden. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Pho! nonsense, honesty!—what had you to do, pray, with honesty? A fine business you have made of it with your Humphrey Hum: and miss, too, she must have been privy to it. Lauretta! ay, you would have her called so; but for my part I never knew any good come of giving girls these heathen Christian names: if you had called her Deborrah, or Tabitha, or Ruth, or Rebecca, or Joan, nothing of this had ever happened; but I always knew Lauretta was a runaway name. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Psha, you’re a fool! MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. No, Mr. Credulous, it is you who are a fool, and no one but such a simpleton would be so imposed on. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why zounds, madam, how durst you talk so? If you have no respect for your husband, I should think unus quorum might command a little deference. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Don’t tell me!—Unus fiddlestick! you ought to be ashamed to show your face at the sessions: you’ll be a laughing-stock to the whole bench, and a byword with all the pig-tailed lawyers and bag-wigged attorneys about town. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Is this language for his majestu’s representative? By the statutes, it’s high treason and petty treason, both at once! Enter SERVANT. SERVANT. A letter for your worship. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Who brought it? SERVANT. A soldier. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Take it away and burn it. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Stay!—Now you’re in such a hurry—it is some canting scrawl from the lieutenant, I suppose.—[ Takes the letter.— Exit SERVANT.] Let me see:—ay, ’tis signed O’Connor. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Well, come read it out. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. [ Reads .] Revenge is sweet . JUSTICE CREDULOUS. It begins so, does it? I’m glad of that; I’ll let the dog know I’m of his opinion. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. [ Reads .] And though disappointed of my designs upon your daughter, I have still the satisfaction of knowing I am revenged on her unnatural father; for this morning, in your chocolate, I had the pleasure to administer to you a dose of poison! —Mercy on us! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. No tricks, Bridget; come, you know it is not so; you know it is a lie. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Read it yourself. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. [ Reads .] Pleasure to administer a dose of poison !—Oh, horrible! Cut-throat villain!—Bridget! MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Lovee, stay, here’s a postscript.—[ Reads .] N.B. ’Tis not in the power of medicine to save you . JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Odds my life, Bridget! why don’t you call for help? I’ve lost my voice.—My brain is giddy—I shall burst, and no assistance.— John!—Laury!—John! MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. You see, lovee, what you have brought on yourself. Re-enter SERVANT. SERVANT. Your worship! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Stay, John; did you perceive anything in my chocolate cup this morning? SERVANT. Nothing, your worship, unless it was a little grounds. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. What colour were they? SERVANT. Blackish, your worship. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ay, arsenic, black arsenic!—Why don’t you run for Dr. Rosy, you rascal? SERVANT. Now, sir? MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Oh, lovee, you may be sure it is in vain; let him run for the lawyer to witness your will, my life. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Zounds! go for the doctor, you scoundrel. You are all confederate murderers. SERVANT. Oh, here he is, your worship. [ Exit .] JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Now, Bridget, hold your tongue, and let me see if my horrid situation be apparent. Enter DOCTOR ROSY. DR. ROSY. I have but just called to inform—hey! bless me, what’s the matter with your worship? JUSTICE CREDULOUS. There, he sees it already!—Poison in my face, in capitals! Yes, yes, I’m a sure job for the undertakers indeed! MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Oh! oh! alas, doctor! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Peace, Bridget!—Why, doctor, my dear old friend, do you really see any change in me? DR. ROSY. Change! never was man so altered: how came these black spots on your nose? JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Spots on my nose! DR. ROSY. And that wild stare in your right eye! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. In my right eye? DR. ROSY. Ay, and, alack, alack, how you are swelled! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Swelled! DR. ROSY. Ay, don’t you think he is, madam? MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Oh! ’tis in vain to conceal it!—Indeed, lovee, you are as big again as you were this morning. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Yes, I feel it now—I’m poisoned!—Doctor, help me, for the love of justice! Give me life to see my murderer hanged. DR. ROSY. What? JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’m poisoned, I say! DR. ROSY. Speak out! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. What! can’t you hear me? DR. ROSY. Your voice is so low and hollow, as it were, I can’t hear a word you say. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’m gone then!— Hic jacet , many years one of his majestu’s justices! MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Read, doctor!—Ah, lovee, the will!—Consider, my life, how soon you will be dead. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. No, Bridget, I shall die by inches. DR. ROSY. I never heard such monstrous iniquity.—Oh, you are gone indeed, my friend! the mortgage of your little bit of clay is out, and the sexton has nothing to do but to close. We must all go, sooner or later—high and low—Death’s a debt; his mandamus binds all alike—no bail, no demurrer. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Silence, Dr. Croaker! will you cure me or will you not? DR. ROSY. Alas! my dear friend, it is not in my power; but I’ll certainly see justice done on your murderer. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I thank you, my dear friend, but I had rather see it myself. DR. ROSY. Ay, but if you recover, the villain will escape. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Will he? then indeed it would be a pity you should recover. I am so enraged against the villain, I can’t bear the thought of his escaping the halter. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. That’s very kind in you, my dear; but if it’s the same thing to you, my dear, I had as soon recover, notwithstanding.—What, doctor, no assistance! DR. ROSY. Efacks, I can do nothing, but there’s the German quack, whom you wanted to send from town; I met him at the next door, and I know he has antidotes for all poisons. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Fetch him, my dear friend, fetch him! I’ll get him a diploma if he cures me. DR. ROSY. Well, there’s no time to be lost; you continue to swell immensely. [ Exit .] MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. What, my dear, will you submit to be cured by a quack nostrum-monger? For my part, as much as I love you, I had rather follow you to your grave than see you owe your life to any but a regular-bred physician. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I’m sensible of your affection, dearest; and be assured nothing consoles me in my melancholy situation so much as the thoughts of leaving you behind. Re-enter DOCTOR ROSY, with LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR disguised . DR. ROSY. Great luck; met him passing by the door. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Metto dowsei pulsum. DR. ROSY. He desires me to feel your pulse. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Can’t he speak English? DR. ROSY. Not a word. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Palio vivem mortem soonem. DR. ROSY. He says you have not six hours to live. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. O mercy! does he know my distemper? DR. ROSY. I believe not. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Tell him ’tis black arsenic they have given me. DR. ROSY. Geneable illi arsnecca. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Pisonatus. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. What does he say? DR. ROSY. He says you are poisoned. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. We know that; but what will be the effect? DR. ROSY. Quid effectum? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Diable tutellum. DR. ROSY. He says you’ll die presently. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Oh, horrible! What, no antidote? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Curum benakere bono fullum. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. What, does he say I must row in a boat to Fulham? DR. ROSY. He says he’ll undertake to cure you for three thousand pounds. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Three thousand pounds! three thousand halters!—No, lovee, you shall never submit to such impositions; die at once, and be a customer to none of them. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. I won’t die, Bridget—I don’t like death. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Psha! there is nothing in it: a moment, and it is over. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Ay, but it leaves a numbness behind that lasts a plaguy long time. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. O my dear, pray consider the will. Enter LAURETTA. LAURETTA. O my father, what is this I hear? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Quiddam seomriam deos tollam rosam. DR. ROSY. The doctor is astonished at the sight of your fair daughter. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. How so? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Damsellum livivum suvum rislibani. DR. ROSY. He says that he has lost his heart to her, and that if you will give him leave to pay his addresses to the young lady, and promise your consent to the union, if he should gain her affections, he will, on those conditions, cure you instantly, without fee or reward. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. The devil! did he say all that in so few words? What a fine language it is! Well, I agree, if he can prevail on the girl.— [ Aside .] And that I am sure he never will. DR. ROSY. Greal. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Writhum bothum. DR. ROSY. He says you must give this under your hand, while he writes you a miraculous receipt. [ Both sit down to write .] LAURETTA. Do, mamma, tell me the meaning of this. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Don’t speak to me, girl.—Unnatural parent! JUSTICE CREDULOUS. There, doctor; there’s what he requires. DR. ROSY. And here’s your receipt: read it yourself. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Hey! what’s here? plain English! DR. ROSY. Read it out; a wondrous nostrum, I’ll answer for it. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. [ Reads .] In reading this you are cured, by your affectionate son-in-law, O’CONNOR.—Who in the name of Beelzebub, sirrah, who are you? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Your affectionate son-in-law, O’Connor, and your very humble servant, Humphrey Hum. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. ’Tis false, you dog! you are not my son-in-law; for I’ll be poisoned again, and you shall be hanged.—I’ll die, sirrah, and leave Bridget my estate. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Ay, pray do, my dear, leave me your estate; I’m sure he deserves to be hanged. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. He does, you say!—Hark’ee, Bridget, you showed such a tender concern for me when you thought me poisoned, that, for the future, I am resolved never to take your advice again in anything.— [ To LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR] So, do you hear, sir, you are an Irishman and a soldier, ain’t you? LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. I am sir, and proud of both. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. The two things on earth I most hate; so I tell you what— renounce your country and sell your commission, and I’ll forgive you. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Hark’ee, Mr. Justice—if you were not the father of my Lauretta, I would pull your nose for asking the first, and break your bones for desiring the second. DR. ROSY. Ay, ay, you’re right. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Is he? then I’m sure I must be wrong.—Here, sir, I give my daughter to you, who are the most impudent dog I ever saw in my life. LIEUTENANT O’CONNOR. Oh, sir, say what you please; with such a gift as Lauretta, every word is a compliment. MRS. BRIDGET CREDULOUS. Well, my lovee, I think this will be a good subject for us to quarrel about the rest of our lives. JUSTICE CREDULOUS. Why, truly, my dear,—I think so, though we are seldom at a loss for that. DR. ROSY. This is all as it should be.—My Alexander, I give you joy, and you, my little god-daughter; and now my sincere wish is, that you may make just such a wife as my poor dear Dolly. [ Exeunt omnes .] *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ST. PATRICK'S DAY; OR, THE SCHEMING LIEUTENANT: A FARCE IN ONE ACT *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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