Rule a Wife, and Have a Wife Beaumont & Fletcher's Works (3 of 10)

The Project Gutenberg eBook of Rule a Wife, and Have a Wife Actus Tertius Scena Prima. Enter Margarita , Altea , and Boy . Altea Are you at ease now, is your heart at rest, Now you have got a shadow, an umbrella To keep the scorching worlds opinion From your fair credit. Margarita I am at peace Altea , If he continue but the same he shews, And be a master of that ignorance He outwardly professes, I am happy, The pleasure I shall live in and the freedom Without the squint-eye of the law upon me, Or prating liberty of tongues, that envy. Altea You are a made woman. Margarita But if he should prove now A crafty and dissembling kind of Husband, One read in knavery, and brought up in the art Of villany conceal'd. Altea My life, an innocent. Margarita That's it I aim at, That's it I hope too, then I am sure I rule him, For innocents are like obedient Children Brought up under a hard Mother-in-law, a cruel, Who being not us'd to break-fasts and collations, When they have course bread offer'd 'em, are thankfull, And take it for a favour too. Are the rooms Made ready to entertain my friends? I long to dance now And to be wanton; let me have a song, is the great couch up The Duke of Medina sent? Altea 'Tis up and ready. Margarita And day-beds in all chambers? Altea In all Lady, Your house is nothing now but various pleasures, The Gallants begin to gaze too. Margarita Let 'em gaze on, I was brought up a Courtier, high and happy, And company is my delight, and courtship, And handsom servants at my will: where's my good husband, Where does he wait? Altea He knows his distance Madam, I warrant ye he is busie in the celler Amongst his fellow servants, or asleep, Till your command awake him. Enter Leon . Margarita 'Tis well Altea . It should be so, my ward I must preserve him. Who sent for him, how dare he come uncall'd for, His bonnet on too? Altea Sure he sees you not. Margarita How scornfully he looks! Leon Are all the chambers Deckt and adorn'd thus for my Ladies pleasure? New hangings every hour for entertainment, And new plate bought, new Jewels to give lustre? Servant They are, and yet there must be more and richer, It is her will. Leon Hum, is it so? 'tis excellent, It is her will too, to have feasts and banquets, Revells and masques. Servant She ever lov'd 'em dearly, And we shall have the bravest house kept now Sir, I must not call ye master she has warn'd me, Nor must not put my hat off to ye. Leon 'Tis no fashion, What though I be her husband, I am your fellow, I may cut first. Servant That's as you shall deserve Sir. Leon And when I lye with her. Servant May be I'le light ye, On the same point you may doe me that service. Enter 1 Lady . 1 Lady Madam, the Duke Medina with some Captains Will come to dinner, and have sent rare wine, And their best services. Margarita They shall be welcom, See all be ready in the noblest fashion, The house perfum'd, now I shall take my pleasure, And not my neighbour Justice maunder at me. Go, get your best cloths on, but till I call ye, Be sure you be not seen, dine with the Gentlewomen, And behave your self cleanly Sir, 'tis for my credit. Enter 2 Lady . 2 Lady Madam, the Lady Julia . Leon That's a bawd, A three pil'd bawd, bawd major to the army. 2 Lady Has brought her coach to wait upon your Ladiship, And to be inform'd if you will take the air this morning. Leon The neat air of her nunnery. Margarita Tell her no, i'th' afternoon I'le call on her. 2 Lady I will Madam. [Exit. Margarita Why are not you gone to prepare your self, May be you shall be sewer to the fire course, A portly presence, Altea he looks lean, 'Tis a wash knave, he will not keep his flesh well. Altea A willing, Madam, one that needs no spurring. Leon Faith madam, in my little understanding, You had better entertain your honest neighbours, Your friends about ye, that may speak well of ye, And give a worthy mention of your bounty. Margarita How now, what's this? Leon 'Tis only to perswade ye, Courtiers are but tickle things to deal withal, A kind of march-pane men that will not last Madam, An egge and pepper goes farther than their potions, And in a well built body, a poor parsnip Will play his prize above their strong potabiles. Margarita The fellow's mad. Leon He that shall counsel Ladies, That have both liquorish and ambitious eyes, Is either mad, or drunk, let him speak Gospel. Altea He breaks out modestly. Leon Pray ye be not angry, My indiscretion has made bold to tell ye, What you'l find true. Margarita Thou darest not talk. Leon Not much Madam, You have a tye upon your servants tongue, He dares not be so bold as reason bids him, 'Twere fit there were a stronger on your temper. Ne're look so stern upon me, I am your Husband, But what are Husbands? read the new worlds wonders, Such Husbands as this monstrous world produces, And you will scarce find such deformities, They are shadows to conceal your venial vertues, Sails to your mills, that grind with all occasions, Balls that lye by you, to wash out your stains, And bills nail'd up with horn before your stories, To rent out last. Margarita Do you hear him talk? Leon I have done Madam, An oxe once spoke, as learned men deliver, Shortly I shall be such, then I'le speak wonders, Till when I tye my self to my obedience. [Exit. Margarita First I'le unty my self, did you mark the Gentleman, How boldly and how sawcily he talk'd, And how unlike the lump I took him for, The piece of ignorant dow, he stood up to me And mated my commands, this was your providence, Your wisdom, to elect this Gentleman, Your excellent forecast in the man, your knowledge, What think ye now? Altea I think him an Asse still, This boldness some of your people have blown Into him, this wisdom too with strong wine, 'Tis a Tyrant, and a Philosopher also, and finds Out reasons. Margarita I'le have my celler lockt, no school kept there, Nor no discovery. I'le turn my drunkards, Such as are understanding in their draughts, And dispute learnedly the whyes and wherefores, To grass immediatly, I'le keep all fools, Sober or drunk, still fools, that shall know nothing, Nothing belongs to mankind, but obedience, And such a hand I'le keep over this Husband. Altea He will fall again, my life he cryes by this time, Keep him from drink, he has a high constitution. Enter Leon . Leon Shall I wear my new sute Madam? Margarita No your old clothes, And get you into the country presently, And see my hawks well train'd, you shall have victuals, Such as are fit for sawcy palats Sir, And lodgings with the hindes, it is too good too. Altea Good Madam be not so rough, with repentance, You see now he's come round again. Margarita I see not what I expect to see. Leon You shall see Madam, if it shall please your Ladyship. Altea He's humbled, Forgive good Lady, Margarita Well go get you handsom, And let me hear no more. Leon Have ye yet no feeling? I'le pinch ye to the bones then my proud Lady. [Exit. Margarita See you preserve him thus upon my favour, You know his temper, tye him to the grindstone, The next rebellion I'le be rid of him, I'le have no needy Rascals I tye to me, Dispute my life: come in and see all handsom. Altea I hope to see you so too, I have wrought ill else. [Exeunt. Enter Perez . Michael Perez Shall I never return to mine own house again? We are lodg'd here in the miserablest dog-hole, A Conjurers circle gives content above it, A hawks mew is a princely palace to it, We have a bed no bigger than a basket, And there we lie like butter clapt together, And sweat our selves to sawce immediately, The fumes are infinite inhabite here too; And to that so thick, they cut like marmalet, So various too, they'l pose a gold-finder, Never return to mine own paradise? Why wife I say, why Estifania . Estifania [within] I am going presently. Michael Perez Make haste good Jewel, I am like the people that live in the sweet Islands: I dye, I dye, if I stay but one day more here, My lungs are rotten with the damps that rise, And I cough nothing now but stinks of all sorts, The inhabitants we have are two starv'd rats, For they are not able to maintain a cat here, And those appear as fearfull as two Devils, They have eat a map of the whole world up already, And if we stay a night we are gone for company. There's an old woman that's now grown to marble, Dri'd in this brick hill, and she sits i'th' chimnie, Which is but three tiles rais'd like a house of cards, The true proportion of an old smok'd Sibyl, There is a young thing too that nature meant For a maid-servant, but 'tis now a monster, She has a husk about her like a chesnut With basiness, and living under the line here, And these two make a hollow sound together, Like frogs or winds between two doors that murmur: Enter Estifania . Mercy deliver me. O are you come wife, Shall we be free again? Estifania I am now going, And you shall presently to your own house Sir, The remembrance of this small vexation Will be argument of mirth for ever: By that time you have said your orisons, And broke your fast, I shall be back and ready, To usher you to your old content, your freedom. Michael Perez Break my neck rather, is there any thing here to eat But one another, like a race of Cannibals? A piece of butter'd wall you think is excellent, Let's have our house again immediatly, And pray ye take heed unto the furniture, None be imbezil'd. Estifania Not a pin I warrant ye. Michael Perez And let 'em instantly depart. Estifania They shall both, There's reason in all courtesies, they must both, For by this time I know she has acquainted him, And has provided too, she sent me word Sir, And will give over gratefully unto you. Michael Perez I'le walk i'th' Church-yard, The dead cannot offend more than these living, An hour hence I'le expect ye. Estifania I'le not fail Sir. Michael Perez And do you hear, let's have a handsom dinner, And see all things be decent as they have been, And let me have a strong bath to restore me, I stink like a stal-fish shambles, or an oyl-shop. Estifania You shall have all, which some interpret nothing, I'le send ye people for the trunks afore-hand, And for the stuff. Michael Perez Let 'em be known and honest, And do my service to your niece. Estifania I shall Sir, But if I come not at my hour, come thither, That they may give you thanks for your fair courtesy, And pray ye be brave for my sake. Michael Perez I observe ye. [Exeunt. Enter Juan de Castro , Sancho , and Cacafogo . Sanchio Thou art very brave. Cacafogo I have reason, I have mony. Sanchio Is mony reason? Cacafogo Yes and rime too Captain, If ye have no mony y'are an Asse. Sanchio I thank ye. Cacafogo Ye have manners, ever thank him that has mony. Sanchio Wilt thou lend me any? Cacafogo Not a farthing Captain, Captains are casual things. Sanchio Why so are all men, thou shalt have my bond. Cacafogo Nor bonds nor fetters Captain, My mony is mine, I make no doubt on't. Juan de Castro What dost thou do with it? Cacafogo Put it to pious uses, Buy Wine and Wenches, and undo young Coxcombs That would undo me. Juan de Castro Are those Hospitals? Cacafogo I first provide to fill my Hospitals With Creatures of mine own, that I know wretched, And then I build: those are more bound to pray for me: Besides, I keep th' inheritance in my Name still. Juan de Castro A provident Charity; are you for the Wars, Sir? Cacafogo I am not poor enough to be a Souldier, Nor have I faith enough to ward a Bullet; This is no lining for a trench, I take it. Juan de Castro Ye have said wisely. Cacafogo Had you but my money, You would swear it Colonel, I had rather drill at home A hundred thousand Crowns, and with more honour, Than exercise ten thousand Fools with nothing, A wise Man safely feeds, Fools cut their fingers. Sanchio A right State Usurer; why dost thou not marry, And live a reverend Justice? Cacafogo Is't not nobler to command a reverend Justice, than to be one? And for a Wife, what need I marry, Captain, When every courteous Fool that owes me money, Owes me his Wife too, to appease my fury? Juan de Castro Wilt thou go to dinner with us? Cacafogo I will go, and view the Pearl of Spain , the Orient Fair One, the rich One too, and I will be respected, I bear my Patent here, I will talk to her, And when your Captain's Ships shall stand aloof, And pick your Noses, I will pick the purse Of her affection. Juan de Castro The Duke dines there to day too, the Duke of Medina . Cacafogo Let the King dine there, He owes me money, and so far's my Creature, And certainly I may make bold with mine own, Captain? Sanchio Thou wilt eat monstrously. Cacafogo Like a true born Spaniard , Eat as I were in England where the Beef grows, And I will drink abundantly, and then Talk ye as wantonly as Ovid did, To stir the Intellectuals of the Ladies; I learnt it of my Father's amorous Scrivener. Juan de Castro If we should play now, you must supply me. Cacafogo You must pawn a Horse troop, And then have at ye Colonel. Sanchio Come, let's go: This Rascal will make rare sport; how the Ladies Will laugh at him? Juan de Castro If I light on him I'll make his Purse sweat too. Cacafogo Will ye lead, Gentlemen? [Exeunt. Enter Perez , an old Woman, and Maid. Michael Perez Nay, pray ye come out, and let me understand ye, And tune your pipe a little higher, Lady; I'll hold ye fast: rub, how came my Trunks open? And my Goods gone, what Pick-lock Spirit? Old Woman Ha, what would ye have? Michael Perez My Goods again, how came my Trunks all open? Old Woman Are your Trunks open? Michael Perez Yes, and Cloaths gone, And Chains, and Jewels: how she smells like hung Beef, The Palsey, and Picklocks, fye, how she belches, The Spirit of Garlick. Old Woman Where's your Gentlewoman? The young fair Woman? Michael Perez What's that to my question? She is my wife, and gone about my business. Maid Is she your Wife, Sir? Michael Perez Yes Sir, is that wonder? Is the name of Wife unknown here? Old Woman Is she truly, truly your Wife? Michael Perez I think so, for I married her; It was no Vision sure! Maid She has the Keys, Sir. Michael Perez I know she has, but who has all my goods, Spirit? Old Woman If you be married to that Gentlewoman, You are a wretched man, she has twenty Husbands. Maid She tells you true. Old Woman And she has cozen'd all, Sir. Michael Perez The Devil she has! I had a fair house with her, That stands hard by, and furnisht royally. Old Woman You are cozen'd too, 'tis none of hers, good Gentleman. Maid The Lady Margarita , she was her Servant, And kept the house, but going from her, Sir, For some lewd tricks she plaid. Michael Perez Plague o' the Devil, Am I i'th' full Meridian of my Wisedom Cheated by a stale Quean! what kind of Lady Is that that owes the House? Old Woman A young sweet Lady. Michael Perez Of a low stature? Old Woman She is indeed but little, but she is wondrous fair. Michael Perez I feel I am cozen'd; Now I am sensible I am undone, This is the very Woman sure, that Cousin She told me would entreat but for four days, To make the house hers; I am entreated sweetly. Maid When she went out this morning, that I saw, Sir, She had two Women at the door attending, And there she gave 'em things, and loaded 'em, But what they were--I heard your Trunks to open, If they be yours? Michael Perez They were mine while they were laden, But now they have cast their Calves, they are not worth Owning: was she her Mistress say you? Old Woman Her own Mistress, her very Mistress, Sir, and all you saw About and in that house was hers. Michael Perez No Plate, no Jewels, nor no Hangings? Maid Not a farthing, she is poor, Sir, a poor shifting thing. Michael Perez No money? Old Woman Abominable poor, as poor as we are, Money as rare to her unless she steal it, But for one civil Gown her Lady gave her, She may go bare, good Gentlewoman. Michael Perez I am mad now, I think I am as poor as she, I am wide else, One civil Sute I have left too, and that's all, And if she steal that she must fley me for it; Where does she use? Old Woman You may find truth as soon, Alas, a thousand conceal'd corners, Sir, she lurks in. And here she gets a fleece, and there another, And lives in mists and smoaks where none can find her. Michael Perez Is she a Whore too? Old Woman Little better, Gentleman, I dare not say she is so Sir, because She is yours, Sir, these five years she has firkt A pretty Living, Until she came to serve; I fear he will knock my Brains out for lying. Michael Perez She has serv'd me faithfully, A Whore and Thief? two excellent moral learnings In one she-Saint, I hope to see her legend. Have I been fear'd for my discoveries, And courted by all Women to conceal 'em? Have I so long studied the art of this Sex, And read the warnings to young Gentlemen? Have I profest to tame the Pride of Ladies, And make 'em bear all tests, and am I trickt now? Caught in mine own nooze? here's a royal left yet, There's for your lodging and your meat for this Week. A silk Worm lives at a more plentiful ordinary, And sleeps in a sweeter Box: farewel great Grandmother, If I do find you were an accessary, 'Tis but the cutting off too smoaky minutes, I'll hang ye presently. Old Woman And I deserve it, I tell but truth. Michael Perez Not I, I am an Ass, Mother. [Exeunt. Enter the Duke of Medina , Juan de Castro , Alonzo , Sanchio , Cacafogo . Attendants. Duke of Medina A goodly house. Juan de Castro And richly furnisht too, Sir. Alonzo Hung wantonly, I like that preparation, It stirs the blood unto a hopeful Banquet, And intimates the Mistress free and jovial, I love a house where pleasure prepares welcome. Duke of Medina Now Cacafogo, how like you this mansion? 'Twere a brave Pawn. Cacafogo I shall be master of it, 'Twas built for my bulk, the rooms are wide and spacious, Airy and full of ease, and that I love well, I'll tell you when I taste the Wine, my Lord, And take the height of her Table with my Stomach, How my affections stand to the young Lady. Enter Margarita , Altea , Ladies, and Servants. Margarita All welcome to your Grace, and to these Souldiers, You honour my poor house with your fair presence, Those few slight pleasures that inhabit here, Sir, I do beseech your Grace command, they are yours, Your servant but preserves 'em to delight ye. Duke of Medina I thank ye Lady, I am bold to visit ye, Once more to bless mine eyes with your sweet Beauty, 'T has been a long night since you left the Court, For till I saw you now, no day broke to me. Margarita Bring in the Dukes meat. Sanchio She is most excellent. Juan de Castro Most admirable fair as e'r I look'd upon, I had rather command her than my Regiment. Cacafogo I'll have a fling, 'tis but a thousand Duckets, Which I can cozen up again in ten days, And some few Jewels to justifie my Knavery, Say, I should marry her, she'll get more money Than all my Usury, put my Knavery to it, She appears the most infallible way of Purchase, I you'd wish her a size or two stronger for the encounter, For I am like a Lion where I lay hold, But these Lambs will endure a plaguy load, And never bleat neither, that Sir, time has taught us, I am so vertuous now, I cannot speak to her, The arrant'st shamefac'd Ass, I broil away too. Enter Leon . Margarita Why, where's this dinner? Leon 'Tis not ready, Madam, Nor shall not be until I know the Guests too, Nor are they fairly welcome till I bid 'em. Juan de Castro Is not this my Alferes ? he looks another thing; Are miracles afoot again? Margarita Why, Sirrah, why Sirrah, you? Leon I hear you, saucy Woman, And as you are my Wife, command your absence, And know your duty, 'tis the Crown of modesty. Duke of Medina Your Wife? Leon Yes good my Lord, I am her Husband, And pray take notice that I claim that honour, And will maintain it. Cacafogo It thou beest her Husband, I am determin'd thou shalt be my Cuckold, I'll be thy faithful friend. Leon Peace, dirt and dunghil, I will not lose my anger on a Rascal, Provoke me more, I'll beat thy blown body Till thou rebound'st again like a Tennis-Ball. Alonzo This is miraculous. Sanchio Is this the Fellow That had the patience to become a Fool, A flurted Fool, and on a sudden break, As if he would shew a wonder to the World, Both in Bravery, and Fortune too? I much admire the man, I am astonisht. Margarita I'll be divorced immediately. Leon You shall not, You shall not have so much will to be wicked. I am more tender of your honour, Lady, And of your Age, you took me for a shadow; You took me to gloss over your discredit, To be your Fool, you had thought you had found a Coxcomb; I am innocent of any foul dishonour I mean to ye. Only I will be known to be your Lord now, And be a fair one too, or I will fall for't. Margarita I do command ye from me, thou poor fellow, Thou cozen'd Fool. Leon Thou cozen'd Fool? 'tis not so, I will not be commanded: I am above ye: You may divorce me from your favour, Lady, But from your state you never shall, I'll hold that, And then maintain your wantonness, I'll wink at it. Margarita Am I braved thus in mine own house? Leon 'Tis mine, Madam, You are deceiv'd, I am Lord of it, I rule it and all that's in't; You have nothing to do here, Madam; But as a Servant to sweep clean the Lodgings, And at my farther will to do me service, And so I'll keep it. Margarita As you love me, give way. Leon It shall be better, I will give none, Madam, I stand upon the ground of mine own Honour, And will maintain it, you shall know me now To be an understanding feeling man, And sensible of what a Woman aims at, A young proud Woman that has Will to sail with, An itching Woman, that her blood provokes too, I cast my Cloud off, and appear my self, The master of this little piece of mischief, And I will put a Spell about your feet, Lady, They shall not wander but where I give way now. Duke of Medina Is this the Fellow that the People pointed at, For the meer sign of man, the walking Image? He speaks wondrous highly. Leon As a Husband ought, Sir, In his own house, and it becomes me well too, I think your Grace would grieve if you were put to it To have a Wife or Servant of your own, (For Wives are reckon'd in the rank of Servants,) Under your own roof to command ye. Juan de Castro Brave, a strange Conversion, thou shalt lead In chief now. Duke of Medina Is there no difference betwixt her and you, Sir? Leon Not now, Lord, my Fortune makes me even, And as I am an honest man, I am nobler. Margarita Get me my Coach. Leon Let me see who dares get it Till I command, I'll make him draw your Coach too, And eat your Coach, (which will be hard diet) That executes your Will; or take your Coach, Lady, I give you liberty, and take your People Which I turn off, and take your Will abroad with ye, Take all these freely, but take me no more, And so farewel. Duke of Medina Nay, Sir, you shall not carry it So bravely off, you shall not wrong a Lady In a high huffing strain, and think to bear it, We stand not by as Bawds to your brave fury, To see a Lady weep. Leon They are tears of anger, I beseech ye note 'em, not worth pity, Wrung from her rage, because her Will prevails not, She would swound now if she could not cry, Else they were excellent, and I should grieve too, But falling thus, they show nor sweet nor orient. Put up my Lord, this is oppression, And calls the Sword of Justice to relieve me, The law to lend her hand, the King to right me, All which shall understand how you provoke me, In mine own house to brave me, is this princely? Then to my Guard, and if I spare your Grace, And do not make this place your Monument, Too rich a Tomb for such a rude behaviour, I have a Cause will kill a thousand of ye, mercy forsake me. Juan de Castro Hold, fair Sir, I beseech ye, The Gentleman but pleads his own right nobly. Leon He that dares strike against the husbands freedom, The Husbands Curse stick to him, a tam'd Cuckold, His Wife be fair and young, but most dishonest, Most impudent, and have no feeling of it, No conscience to reclaim her from a Monster, Let her lye by him like a flattering ruine, And at one instant kill both Name and Honour, Let him be lost, no eye to weep his end, Nor find no earth that's base enough to bury him. Now Sir, fall on, I am ready to oppose ye. Duke of Medina I have better thought, I pray Sir use your Wife well. Leon Mine own humanity will teach me that, Sir, And now you are all welcome, all, and we'll to dinner, This is my Wedding-day. Duke of Medina I'll cross your joy yet. Juan de Castro I made seen a miracle, hold thine own, Souldier, Sure they dare fight in fire that conquer Women. Sanchio H'as beaten all my loose thoughts out of me, As if he had thresht 'em out o'th' husk. Enter Perez . Michael Perez 'Save ye, which is the Lady of the house? Leon That's she, Sir, that pretty Lady, If you would speak with her. Juan de Castro Don Michael , Leon , another darer come. Michael Perez Pray do not know me, I am full of business, When I have more time I'll be merry with ye. It is the Woman: good Madam, tell me truly, Had you a Maid call'd Estifania ? Margarita Yes truly, had I. Michael Perez Was she a Maid do you think? Margarita I dare not swear for her, For she had but a scant Fame. Michael Perez Was she your Kinswoman? Margarita Not that I ever knew, now I look better I think you married her, 'give you joy, Sir, You may reclaim her, 'twas a wild young Girl. Michael Perez Give me a halter: is not this house mine, Madam? Was not she owner of it, pray speak truly? Margarita No, certainly, I am sure my money paid for it, And I ne'r remember yet I gave it you, Sir. Michael Perez The Hangings and the Plate too? Margarita All are mine, Sir, And every thing you see about the building, She only kept my house when I was absent, And so ill kept it, I was weary of her. Sanchio What a Devil ails he? Juan de Castro He's possest I'll assure you. Michael Perez Where is your Maid? Margarita Do not you know that have her? She is yours now, why should I look after her? Since that first hour I came I never saw her. Michael Perez I saw her later, would the Devil had had her, It is all true I find, a wild-fire take her. Juan de Castro Is thy Wife with Child, Don Michael ? thy excellent wife. Art thou a Man yet? Alonzo When shall we come and visit thee? Sanchio And eat some rare fruit? thou hast admirable Orchards, You are so jealous now, pox o' your jealousie, How scurvily you look! Michael Perez Prithee leave fooling, I am in no humour now to fool and prattle, Did she ne'r play the wag with you? Margarita Yes many times, so often that I was asham'd to keep her, But I forgave her, Sir, in hope she would mend still, And had not you o'th' instant married her, I had put her off. Michael Perez I thank ye, I am blest still, Which way so e'r I turn I am a made man, Miserably gull'd beyond recovery. Juan de Castro You'll stay and dine? Michael Perez Certain I cannot, Captain, Hark in thine ear, I am the arrantst Puppy, The miserablest Ass, but I must leave ye, I am in haste, in haste, bless you, good Madam, And you prove as good as my Wife. [Exit. Leon Will you come near, Sir, will your Grace but honour me, And taste our dinner? you are nobly welcome, All anger's past I hope, and I shall serve ye. Juan de Castro Thou art the stock of men, and I admire thee. [Ex. Actus Quartus Scena Prima. Enter Perez . Michael Perez I'll go to a Conjurer but I'll find this Pol-cat, This pilfering Whore: a plague of Vails, I cry, And covers for the impudence of Women, Their sanctity in show will deceive Devils, It is my evil Angel, let me bless me. Enter Estifania with a Casket. Estifania 'Tis he, I am caught, I must stand to it stoutly, And show no shake of fear, I see he is angry, Vext at the uttermost. Michael Perez My worthy Wife, I have been looking of your modesty All the town over. Estifania My most noble Husband, I am glad I have found ye, for in truth I am weary, Weary and lame with looking out your Lordship. Michael Perez I have been in Bawdy Houses. Estifania I believe you, and very lately too. Michael Perez 'Pray you pardon me, To seek your Ladyship, I have been in Cellars, In private Cellars, where the thirsty Bawds Hear your Confessions; I have been at Plays, To look you out amongst the youthful Actors, At Puppet Shews, you are Mistress of the motions, At Gossippings I hearkned after you, But amongst those Confusions of lewd Tongues There's no distinguishing beyond a Babel. I was amongst the Nuns because you sing well, But they say yours are Bawdy Songs, they mourn for ye, And last I went to Church to seek you out, 'Tis so long since you were there, they have forgot you. Estifania You have had a pretty progress, I'll tell mine now: To look you out, I went to twenty Taverns. Michael Perez And are you sober? Estifania Yes, I reel not yet, Sir, Where I saw twenty drunk, most of 'em Souldiers, There I had great hope to find you disguis'd too. From hence to th' dicing-house, there I found Quarrels needless, and senceless, Swords and Pots, and Candlesticks, Tables and Stools, and all in one confusion, And no man knew his Friend. I left this Chaos , And to the Chirurgions went, he will'd me stay, For says he learnedly, if he be tipled, Twenty to one he whores, and then I hear of him, If he be mad, he quarrels, then he comes too. I sought ye where no safe thing would have ventur'd, Amongst diseases, base and vile, vile Women, For I remembred your old Roman axiom, The more the danger, still the more the Honour. Last, to your Confessor I came, who told me, You were too proud to pray, and here I have found ye. Michael Perez She bears up bravely, and the Rogue is witty, But I shall dash it instantly to nothing. Here leave we off our wanton languages, And now conclude we in a sharper tongue. Estifania Why am I cozen'd? Why am I abused? Michael Perez Thou most vile, base, abominable-- Estifania Captain. Michael Perez Thou stinking, overstew'd, poor, pocky-- Estifania Captain. Michael Perez Do you echo me? Estifania Yes Sir, and go before ye, And round about ye, why do you rail at me For that that was your own sin, your own knavery? Michael Perez And brave me too? Estifania You had best now draw your Sword, Captain! Draw it upon a Woman, do, brave Captain, Upon your Wife, Oh most renowned Captain. Michael Perez A Plague upon thee, answer me directly; Why didst thou marry me? Estifania To be my Husband; I had thought you had had infinite, but I'm cozen'd. Michael Perez Why didst thou flatter me, and shew me wonders? A house and riches, when they are but shadows, Shadows to me? Estifania Why did you work on me (It was but my part to requite you, Sir) With your strong Souldiers wit, and swore you would bring me So much in Chains, so much in Jewels, Husband, So much in right rich Cloaths? Michael Perez Thou hast 'em, Rascal; I gave 'em to thy hands, my trunks and all, And thou hast open'd 'em, and sold my treasure. Estifania Sir, there's your treasure, sell it to a Tinker To mend old Kettles, is this noble Usage? Let all the World view here the Captain's treasure, A Man would think now, these were worthy matters; Here's a shooing-horn Chain gilt over, how it scenteth Worse than the mouldy durty heel it served for: And here's another of a lesser value, So little I would shame to tye my Dog in't, These are my joynture, blush and save a labour, Or these else will blush for ye. Michael Perez A fire subtle ye, are ye so crafty? Estifania Here's a goodly jewel, Did not you win this at Goletta, Captain, Or took it in the field from some brave Bashaw How it sparkles like an old Ladies eyes, And fills each room with light like a close Lanthorn! This would do rarely in an Abbey Window, To cozen Pilgrims. Michael Perez P[r]ithee leave prating. Estifania And here's a Chain of Whitings eyes for pearls, A Muscle-monger would have made a better. Michael Perez Nay, prithee wife, my Cloaths, my Cloaths. Estifania I'll tell ye, Your Cloaths are parallels to these, all counterfeit. Put these and them on, you are a Man of Copper, A kind of Candlestick; these you thought, my Husband, To have cozen'd me withall, but I am quit with you. Michael Perez Is there no house then, nor no grounds about it? No plate nor hangings? Estifania There are none, sweet Husband, Shadow for shadow is as equal justice. Can you rail now? pray put up your fury, Sir, And speak great words, you are a Souldier, thunder. Michael Perez I will speak little, I have plaid the Fool, And so I am rewarded. Estifania You have spoke well, Sir, And now I see you are so conformable I'll heighten you again, go to your house, They are packing to be gone, you must sup there, I'll meet ye, and bring Cloaths, and clean Shirts after, And all things shall be well, I'll colt you once more, And teach you to bring Copper. Michael Perez Tell me one thing, I do beseech thee tell me, tell me truth, Wife, However I forgive thee, art thou honest? The Beldam swore. Estifania I bid her tell you so, Sir, It was my plot, alas my credulous Husband, The Lady told you too. Michael Perez Most strange things of thee. Estifania Still 'twas my way, and all to try your sufferance, And she denied the House. Michael Perez She knew me not, No, nor no title that I had. Estifania 'Twas well carried; No more, I am right and straight. Michael Perez I would believe thee, But Heaven knows how my heart is, will ye follow me? Estifania I'll be there straight. Michael Perez I am fooled, yet dare not find it. [Exit Perez . Estifania Go silly Fool, thou mayst be a good Souldier In open field, but for our private service Thou art an Ass, I'll make thee so, or miss else. Enter Cacafogo . Here comes another Trout that I must tickle, And tickle daintily, I have lost my end else. May I crave your leave, Sir? Cacafogo Prithee be answered, thou shalt crave no leave, I am in my meditations, do not vex me, A beaten thing, but this hour a most bruised thing, That people had compassion on it, looked so, The next Sir Palmerin, here's fine proportion, An Ass, and then an Elephant, sweet Justice, There's no way left to come at her now, no craving, If money could come near, yet I would pay him; I have a mind to make him a huge Cuckold, And money may do much, a thousand Duckets, 'Tis but the letting blood of a rank Heir. Estifania 'Pray you hear me. Cacafogo I know thou hast some wedding Ring to pawn now, Of Silver and gilt, with a blind posie in't, Love and a Mill-horse should go round together, Or thy Childs whistle, or thy Squirrels Chain, I'll none of 'em, I would she did but know me, Or would this Fellow had but use of money, That I might come in any way. Estifania I am gone, Sir, And I shall tell the beauty sent me to ye, The Lady Margarita. Cacafogo Stay I prithee, What is thy will? I turn me wholly to ye, And talk now till thy tongue ake, I will hear ye. Estifania She would entreat you, Sir, Cacafogo She shall command, Sir, Let it be so, I beseech thee, my sweet Gentlewoman, Do not forget thy self. Estifania She does command then This courtesie, because she knows you are noble. Cacafogo Your Mistress by the way? Estifania My natural mistress, Upon these Jewels, Sir, they are fair and rich, And view 'em right. Cacafogo To doubt 'em is an heresie. Estifania A thousand Duckets, 'tis upon necessity Of present use, her husband, Sir, is stubborn. Cacafogo Long may he be so. Estifania She desires withal a better knowledge of your parts and person, And when you please to do her so much honour. Cacafogo Come, let's dispatch. Estifania In troth I have heard her say, Sir, Of a fat man she has not seen a sweeter. But in this business, Sir. Cacafogo Let's do it first And then dispute, the Ladies use may long for't. Estifania All secrecy she would desire, she told me How wise you are. Cacafogo We are not wise to talk thus, Carry her the gold, I'le look her out a Jewel, Shall sparkle like her eyes, and thee another, Come prethee come, I long to serve thy Lady, Long monstrously, now valor I shall meet ye, You that dare Dukes. Estifania Green goose you are now in sippets. [Exeunt. Enter the Duke, Sanchio , Juan , Alonzo . Duke of Medina He shall not have his will, I shall prevent him, I have a toy here that will turn the tide, And suddenly, and strangely, hear Don Juan, Do you present it to him. Juan de Castro I am commanded. [Exit. Duke of Medina A fellow founded out of Charity, And moulded to the height contemn his maker, Curb the free hand that fram'd him? This must not be. Sanchio That such an oyster shell should hold a pearl, And of so rare a price in prison, Was she made to be the matter of her own undoing, To let a slovenly unweildy fellow, Unruly and self will'd, dispose her beauties? We suffer all Sir in this sad Eclipse, She should shine where she might show like her self, An absolute sweetness, to comfort those admire her, And shed her beams upon her friends. We are gull'd all, And all the world will grumble at your patience, If she be ravish't thus. Duke of Medina Ne'r fear it Sanchio , We'I have her free again, and move at Court In her clear orb: but one sweet handsomeness, To bless this part of Spain , and have that slubber'd? Alonzo 'Tis every good mans cause, and we must stir in it. Duke of Medina I'le warrant he shall be glad to please us, And glad to share too, we shall hear anon A new song from him, let's attend a little. [Exeunt. Enter Leon , and Juan , with a commission. Leon Coronel, I am bound to you for this nobleness, I should have been your officer, 'tis true Sir, And a proud man I should have been to have serv'd you, 'T has pleas'd the King out of his boundless favours, To make me your companion, this commission Gives me a troop of horse. Juan de Castro I do rejoyce at it, And am a glad man we shall gain your company, I am sure the King knows you are newly married, And out of that respect gives you more time Sir. Leon Within four daies I am gone, so he commands me, And 'tis not mannerly for me to argue it, The time grows shorter still, are your goods ready? Juan de Castro They are aboard. Leon Who waits there? Enter Servant . Servant Sir. Leon Do you hear ho, go carry this unto your Mistris Sir, And let her see how much the King has honour'd me, Bid her be lusty, she must make a Souldier. [Exit. Enter Lorenzo . Lorenzo Sir, Go take down all the hangings, And pack up all my cloths, my plate and Jewels, And all the furniture that's portable, Sir when we lye in garrison, 'tis necessary We keep a handsom port, for the Kings honour; And do you hear, let all your Ladies wardrobe Be safely plac'd in trunks, they must along too. Lorenzo Whither must they goe Sir? Leon To the wars, Lorenzo , And you and all, I will not leave a turn-spit, That has one dram of spleen against a Dutchman. Lorenzo Why then St Jaques hey, you have made us all Sir, And if we leave ye--does my Lady goe too? Leon The stuff must goe to morrow towards the sea Sir, All, all must goe. Lorenzo Why Pedro , Vasco , Dego , Come help me, come come boys, soldadocs, comrades, We'l fley these beer-bellied rogues, come away quickly. [Exit. Juan de Castro H'as taken a brave way to save his honour, And cross the Duke, now I shall love him dearly, By the life of credit thou art a noble Gentleman. Enter Margarita , led by two Ladies. Leon Why how now wife, what, sick at my preferment? This is not kindly done. Margarita No sooner love ye, Love ye intirely Sir, brought to consider The goodness of your mind and mine own duty, But lose you instantly, be divorc'd from ye? This is a cruelty, I'le to the King And tell him 'tis unjust to part two souls, Two minds so nearly mixt. Leon By no means sweet heart. Margarita If he were married but four daies as I am. Leon He would hang himself the fifth, or fly his Country. Margarita He would make it treason for that tongue that durst But talk of war, or any thing to vex him, You shall not goe. Leon Indeed I must sweet wife, What shall I lose the King for a few kisses? We'l have enough. Margarita I'le to the Duke my cousin, he shall to th' King. Leon He did me this great office, I thank his grace for't, should I pray him now, To undoe't again? fye 'twere a base discredit. Margarita Would I were able Sir to bear you company, How willing should I be then, and how merry! I will not live alone. Leon Be in peace, you shall not. [knock within. Margarita What knocking's this? oh Heaven my head, why rascals I thin[k] the war's begun i'th' house already. Leon The preparation is, they are taking down, And packing up the hangings, plate and Jewels, And all those furnitures that shall befit me When I lye in garrison. Enter Coachman . Coachman Must the Coach goe too Sir? Leon How will your Lady pass to th' sea else easily? We shall find shipping for't there to transport it. Margarita I goe? alas! Leon I'le have a main care of ye, I know ye are sickly, he shall drive the easier, And all accommodation shall attend ye. Margarita Would I were able. Leon Come I warrant ye, Am not I with ye sweet? are her cloaths packt up, And all her linnen? give your maids direction, You know my time's but short, and I am commanded. Margarita Let me have a nurse, And all such necessary people with me, And an easie bark. Leon It shall not trot I warrant ye, Curvet it may sometimes. Margarita I am with child Sir. Leon At four days warning? this is something speedy, Do you conceive as our jennets do with a west winde? My heir will be an arrant fleet one Lady, I'le swear you were a maid when I first lay with ye. Margarita Pray do not swear, I thought I was a maid too, But we may both be cozen'd in that point Sir. Leon In such a strait point sure I could not err Madam. Juan de Castro This is another tenderness to try him, Fetch her up now. Margarita You must provide a cradle, and what a troubles that? Leon The sea shall rock it, 'Tis the best nurse; 'twill roar and rock together, A swinging storm will sing you such a lullaby. Margarita Faith let me stay, I shall but shame ye Sir. Leon And you were a thousand shames you shall along with me, At home I am sure you'l prove a million, Every man carries the bundle of his sins Upon his own back, you are mine, I'le sweat for ye. Enter Duke, Alonzo , Sanchio . Duke of Medina What Sir, preparing for your noble journey? 'Tis well, and full of care. I saw your mind was wedded to the war, And knew you would prove some good man for your country, Therefore fair Cousin with your gentle pardon, I got this place: what, mourn at his advancement? You are to blame, he will come again sweet cousin, Mean time like sad Penelope and sage, Amongst your maids at home, and huswifely. Leon No Sir, I dare not leave her to that solitariness, She is young, and grief or ill news from those quarters May daily cross her, she shall goe along Sir. Duke of Medina By no means Captain. Leon By all means an't please ye. Duke of Medina What take a young and tender bodied Lady, And expose her to those dangers, and those tumults, A sickly Lady too? Leon 'Twill make her well Sir, There's no such friend to health as wholsom travel. Sanchio Away it must not be. Alonzo It ought not Sir, Go hurry her? it is not humane, Captain. Duke of Medina I cannot blame her tears, fright her with tempests, With thunder of the war. I dare swear if she were able. Leon She is most able. And pray ye swear not, she must goe, there's no remedy, Nor greatness, nor the trick you had to part us, Which I smell too rank, too open, too evident (And I must tell you Sir, 'tis most unnoble) Shall hinder me: had she but ten hours life, Nay less, but two hours, I would have her with me, I would not leave her fame to so much ruine, To such a desolation and discredit As her weakness and your hot will wou'd work her to. Enter Perez . What Masque is this now? More tropes and figures, to abuse my sufferance, What cousin's this? Juan de Castro Michael van owle , how dost thou? In what dark barn or tod of aged Ivy Hast thou lyen hid? Michael Perez Things must both ebbe and flow, Coronel, And people must conceal, and shine again. You are welcom hither as your friend may say, Gentleman, A pretty house ye see handsomely seated, Sweet and convenient walks, the waters crystal. Alonzo He's certain mad. Juan de Castro As mad as a French Tayler, That has nothing in's head but ends of fustians. Michael Perez I see you are packing now my gentle cousin, And my wife told me I should find it so, 'Tis true I do, you were merry when I was last here, But 'twas your will to try my patience Madam. I am sorry that my swift occasions Can let you take your pleasure here no longer, Yet I would have you think my honour'd cousin, This house and all I have are all your servants. Leon What house, what pleasure Sir, what do you mean? Michael Perez You hold the jest so stiff, 'twill prove discourteous, This house I mean, the pleasures of this place. Leon And what of them? Michael Perez They are mine Sir, and you know it, My wifes I mean, and so confer'd upon me, The hangings Sir I must entreat, your servants, That are so busie in their offices, Again to minister to their right uses, I shall take view o'th' plate anon, and furnitures That are of under place; you are merry still cousin, And of a pleasant constitution, Men of great fortunes make their mirths at placitum . Leon Prethee good stubborn wife, tell me directly, Good evil wife leave fooling and tell me honestly, Is this my kinsman? Margarita I can tell ye nothing. Leon I have many kinsmen, but so mad a one, And so phantastick--all the house? Michael Perez All mine, And all within it. I will not bate ye an ace on't. Can you not receive a noble courtesie, And quietly and handsomely as ye ought Couz, But you must ride o'th' top on't? Leon Canst thou fight? Michael Perez I'le tell ye presently, I could have done Sir. Leon For ye must law and claw before ye get it. Juan de Castro Away, no quarrels. Leon Now I am more temperate, I'le have it prov'd if you were never yet in Bedlam, Never in love, for that's a lunacy, No great state left ye that you never lookt for, Nor cannot manage, that's a rank distemper; That you were christen'd, and who answer'd for ye, And then I yield. Michael Perez H'as half perswaded me I was bred i'th' moon, I have ne'r a bush at my breech, are not we both mad, And is not this a phantastick house we are in, And all a dream we do? will ye walk out Sir, And if I do not beat thee presently Into a sound belief, as sense can give thee, Brick me into that wall there for a chimny piece, And say I was one o'th' Caesars , done by a seal-cutter. Leon I'le talk no more, come we'l away immediatly. Margarita Why then the house is his, and all that's in it, I'le give away my skin but I'le undoe ye, I gave it to his wife, you must restore Sir, And make a new provision. Michael Perez Am I mad now or am I christen'd, you my pagan cousin, My mighty Mahound kinsman, what quirk now? You shall be welcom all, I hope to see Sir Your Grace here, and my couz, we are all Souldiers, And must do naturally for one another. Duke of Medina Are ye blank at this? then I must tell ye Sir, Ye have no command, now ye may goe at pleasure And ride your asse troop, 'twas a trick I us'd To try your jealousie upon entreatie, And saving of your wife. Leon All this not moves me, Nor stirs my gall, nor alters my affections, You have more furniture, more houses Lady, And rich ones too, I will make bold with those, And you have Land i'th' Indies as I take it, Thither we'l goe, and view a while those climats, Visit your Factors there, that may betray ye, 'Tis done, we must goe. Margarita Now thou art a brave Gentleman, And by this sacred light I love thee dearly. The house is none of yours, I did but jest Sir, Nor you are no couz of mine, I beseech ye vanish, I tell you plain, you have no more right than he Has, that senseless thing, your wife has once more fool'd ye: Goe ye and consider. Leon Good morrow my sweet cousin, I should be glad Sir. Michael Perez By this hand she dies for't, Or any man that speaks for her. [Exit Perez . Juan de Castro These are fine toyes. Margarita Let me request you stay but one poor month, You shall have a Commission and I'le goe too, Give me but will so far. Leon Well I will try ye, Good morrow to your Grace, we have private business. Duke of Medina If I miss thee again, I am an arrant bungler. Juan de Castro Thou shalt have my command, and I'le march under thee, Nay be thy boy before thou shalt be baffled, Thou art so brave a fellow. Alonzo I have seen visions. [Exeunt.

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