FRITZ ON THE ENGLISH Dis old vorld is von uncertain blace, Dere is so many tings ve don't know, Ven ve shtart oudt to travel de pace, Ve can't tell shoost how far ve vill go, Ve don't know, from de vay a man valks, How mooch money dat feller may get, Und dose chaps mit de very smooth talks May haf schemes in deir heads maype yet. Ven some leetle birds shtand on a shtump, Ve don't know yet de first von to fly; Ve can't tell, from de paint on de pump, Shoost how soon de old vell vill run dry; Ve don't know vy de grass is so green, Nor vy all plue roses grow red, How de pod get ouside of de bean, Und de cabbages get de shwelled head. Ve don't know, ven de veather is dry, Britty soon if ve get some more rains, Vy dere's many a goot-looking guy In his head dat don't haf any brains; Vy de plack card vill alvays come thrump, Ven a handful of red vons ve hold, Nor how far can von leedle flea yump Nor vy mud-turtles nefer get old. In dose car, ven ve go for a ride, Ve can't tell ven dere's someting vill bust, Und ourselves ve so often haf lied, Ve don't know any feller to trust; Ve can't tell yet de end of dis schrap, Ve may get, ven de fighting is done, Some varm country, not marked on de map Dat's more hot dan a blace in de sun. FRITZ ON THE ENGLISH Ven I fights mit dose Englishmans yet, Dere vas tings vy I nefer can't see, Und, dis time I'm certain, you bet! Either dey must pe crazy or me. Dey vill bay von beeg price for a king, But as soon as he put on his crown, Und vould try to pe doing some ting, Dey say,—"Go avay pack und sit down." Ven dey get all dose blace in de sun, Und de blaces vere grows de beeg trees, Ven already de hard vork is done, Den John Bull say,—"Shoost go as you blease." If in Dublin a feller rebels, Britty soon on a rope he vill shwing, But go free, so mine newsbaper tells, If in Ulster he do de same ting. Johnnie Bull prings his pread und his meat From de ends of de vorld far avay, Vile de lands vere he ought to grow veat, Dem's de blaces de pheasants will shtay, Ven he say dat he nefer vill fight, But vill shtick mit his vork und his blay Dat vas lies he vas telling all right, For he fight like de teufel to-day. Und dose beeples dat nefer had vorked, All dose soft-handed ladies und shwells, Und de fellers dat always had shirked, Haf got busy now making de shells. If ve're brisoners, vounded or sick, Shoost so soon ve fall into deir hand, Den dey doctor und feed us oop shlick; Dese are tings dat I can't understand. WHEN WILL IT END November, 1916 Von Krink tells Fritz when the War will end. Ven you tinks dis beeg var vill get done? (Dat's de ting you hear efryone say.) Britty soon vill dey lay down de gun, So I home mit Katrina can shtay? Vell, I tells you mine friends, vot I tink, Dat de Kaiser don't know, nor de Czar, So I shpeak mit dat feller, Von Krink, Shoost how soon ve can settle dis var. "Ve vill not shtop de fight," said Von Krink "Till de Kaiser climbs down from his throne All dot Wilhelmstrasse bunch, I don't tink, Haf deir backs mitout moss ofergrown. Ve vill take back de Heligoland, Und dose Krupp vorks to bieces vill shmash, Ve vill shpoil all dose profits so grand, Und Miss Bertha can cook her own hash." "Und dose blaces vay out in de sun, Vere de Kaiser such goot money shpends, John Bull vill shoost tink it fine fun To divide dem around mit his friends, Ve vill take all de Kaiser's beeg ships, Ve vill make free de Kiel canal Und de Shermans must pass oudt de chips Ven dey lose de beeg jack-pot next fall. "Den berhaps if dey're getting too gay, Ve vill bang dem a couple of times; Dat already might be de best way, For to settle dose submarine crimes. Ven ve get all dose leetle chores done, Und some more ve can't tink about yet, Ve vill hang up de sword und de gun. But not von minute sooner, you bet!" THE KAISER AGAIN CONSULTS FRITZ Mine dear Fritz,—Your advice ven I take, Und I try dot goot beace talk to shtart, Den dose fellers all call it a fake, For dey say it don't come from mine heart; Vat's de ting to do next, I don't know, Mit dose bull-headed English und French, Dey shoost tink dey're de whole of de show Since they pounded us oudt of some trench. Dey are licking us now britty fast, Like I nefer could tink dey vill do, Mit beeg guns dey now haf us out-classed, Und mit airships und teufel tanks too. Ve must all de hard hammering take For dose Bulgars und Turks vas no goot, Seems like now von beeg blunder ve make Und de game ve haf not undershtoodt. Ven ve tink ve vill get some more oil, Und de oats, und potatoes, and meat, All dose tings de Roumanians shpoil Shoost so soon as ve make dem redreat; Und mine shlack brudder, Tino of Greece, He gets batted all ofer der ground, Ven he shtrikes he goes oudt on first base, Und makes nefer de run all around. Britty soon, Fritz, ve someting must do, Or already ve all vill be killed, For dose English haf put on de screw Und our stomachs are nefer half filled. Vat you tink of dis plan, mine dear Fritz, In mine head dat already I get, Dat I take back again Von Tirpitz, Und Herr Teufel in partnership yet? FRITZ WARNS THE KAISER Mine dear Kaiser,—Dose tings vas a fake, Ven you shtart oop dat untersea show Und already a pardnership make Mit Von Tirpitz, Von Teufel and Co. Ven de try dis same game vonce pefore, Soon ve lose all dose subs dat ve had, Und dis time ve vill lose dem some more, For now even dose Yanks haf got mad. Some advice I vould give to you yet, (It vill shoost take a minute or two,) Call dose subs all in oudt of de vet, Dat's already de best ting to do. You may tink dat old Fritz is a fool, Und haf maype some axes to grind, But dose tings dat he learned oudt of school, Dey vill pring de improvement of mind. Since dat day I vas brisoner took, Und I hafn't got notting to do, Den I read all dose bapers und book, Und write maybe a letter or two, Dere's some tings I already find oudt Dat de Faderland bapers von't tell, How dose English, like leetle Hans Shtout, Haf de pussy cat pulled from de vell. All dose English must half deir own vay, Und so soon as deir foes dey vill shmash, Like Napoleon dey ship dem avay Or like Thebaw or Arabi Pash; So I tells you, mine Kaiser, bevare, Or you gets yourself soon in a fix, Saint Helena's old rock is still dere For de feller dat loses de tricks. FRITZ GOES FARMING May, 1918 Mine Katrina,—So long since I write, You vill tink I am dead maybe yet; If I never come back from dis fight, Den some udder old feller you get. Vell I tells you de reason, mine frau, Vy already mine letters vill shtop, Ven John Bull soon finds oudt I can plow Den he vant me to put in de crop. In de vorld if dere's not enough veat, For to make all de beeples some pread, Den de poor vill get notting to eat, Und dey all vill go britty soon dead, So John Bull some potatoes vill sow, Vere dose rabbits und pheasants haf stayed, Und de veat, oats und barley vill grow Vere de tennis und cricket vas blayed. To pe oudt on de land it seems good, Vere dose onions and cabbages grow, Vere de pigs fall ashleep in de mud Und de ducks in de vater vill go; But I vork so hard now efry day, Und I gets so beeg tired py night, To dose friends dat I luf far avay Den I hafn't no courage to write. I shoost vork, und I shleep, und I eat, So I hafn't much news for to send; You vould hear of de Sherman redreat, Vell I hopes dis beeg var vill soon end. All mine troubles I hardly can't bear, How is tings in de Faderland now? If ve lose yet, or vin, I don't care, So I only get back to mine frau. Yours ever. Fritz. INDEX TO WAR RHYMES Foreword Page Modern Diplomacy 5 The Allied Forces 6 The Modern Good Samaritan 8 Satan's Soliloquy 9 The Canadian Way 10 The English Womans Complaint 11 Unemployed 12 The Hate of Hans 13 Hans Begins to Wonder 14 Recruiting Appeals Jack Canuck 18 What Owest Thou 19 A Call to the Colors 20 Choose Ye 21 The Slacker's Son 22 Blasted Hopes 23 Langemark 24 The Canadian Army 25 Fight or Pay 26 Rhymes For Children Hunting the Were-Wolf 30 Johnnie's Grouch 31 The Trench That Fritz Built 32 Nursery Rhymes Ten Little Slackers 34 Jingles 35 Miscellaneous Bedlam 38 The Certainties 39 The Friendly Spies 40 Jack Canuck to Uncle Sam 41 Sammy 42 France To Columbia 43 Jim's Sacrifice 44 The Orgy of Thor 45 Motes and Beams 46 Nurse Cavell 47 'Twas Ever Thus 48 Ego 49 Freedom 50 Twenty Years After 50 Faith 51 Everybody Helping 52 The World's Overdraft 53 Slackers 54 The Loyal Blacks 55 The Troubles of Tino 56 Has the World Gone Mad? 57 The Trees 57 Who Knows 58 Afterwards 59 German Securities Fall 60 Trouble in the Trenches 61 The Worshippers 62 To Jean Baptiste 63 The Lost Tribes 63 Reliability 65 The McLeans 65 Farmer John Speaks 66 When the Game Isn't Fair 67 Heinie's Holler 68 What We Won 69 The Home Coming 69 The Opinions of Fritz Fritz Finds Fault 72 Fritz Has Another Grouch 73 The Kaiser Consults Fritz 74 Fritz in the Hospital 75 Fritz Philosophizes 76 Fritz Writes to His Frau 77 Katrina's Reply 78 Fritz Writes Again 79 Katrina Replies 80 Fritz Learns About Canada 81 Fritz Can't Furshtay 82 Fritz Is Learning 83 Fritz Hears from the Kaiser 84 Fritz Advises the Kaiser 85 Fritz Admits Ignorance 86 Fritz on the English 87 When Will It End 88 The Kaiser Again Consults Fritz 89 Fritz Warns The Kaiser 90 Fritz Goes Farming 91 Transcriber's Notes: "Wayfarer" is a pseudonym of Abner Cosens. Left one instance of Alsace-Lorraine and one of Alsace-Loraine Left one instance of out-classed and one of outclassed Left one instance of saur-kraut and four of saurkraut Page 7: Changed Isproud to Is Proud Page 7: Changed belicose to bellicose Page 12: Changed Englishamn to Englishman Page 21: Changed infull to in full Page 22: Changed Kaser to Kaiser Page 25: Changed birth to birch Page 26: Changed popluation to population Page 32: Changed gun tha killed to gun that killed Page 32: Changed killed he Hun to killed the Hun Page 35: Added title JINGLES to match index Page 39: Changed stanza 5 to the correct line ordering Page 40: Changed silient to silent Page 41: Changed your to you Page 48: Changed Briitsh to British Page 57: Changed parents to parent Page 61: Changed Blathersi to Blatherski Page 68: Changed shart to shtart Page 73: Changed Vat's the us to Vot's the use Page 73: Changed dont' to don't Page 78: Changed under to und *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK WAR RHYMES BY WAYFARER *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. 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