A Parody on Princess Ida

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG™ LICENSE HILARION— I am a maiden coy and graceful, Stately I, with a face divine, But with my smiles I’m ever faithful, True to the men of the Alton Line. ALL— Haughty, humble, coy and free, Little care I what maid may be. So that a maid is fair to see, Every maid is the maid for me. FLORIAN— I am a maiden sweet and lusty, Dainty and pleasant am I to see, Timid and shy, and oh! so trusty. An Alton man is the man for me. ALL— Haughty, humble, coy and free, Little care I what maid may be, So that a maid is fair to see, Every maid is the maid for me. HILARION—But who comes here? The Princess, as I live. CYRIL—What is to be done? HILARION—Why, brave heart, my boy. Remember that you are an Alton man, and be brave. ( Enter Princess. ) He bows low. Madam, accept my humblest reverence. PRINCESS—Ladies, you are welcome. What might be your pleasure with me? HILARION—( bowing. ) We are three well-born maidens, ma’am! daughters of those who run the Alton line, who wish to join the University. PRINCESS—You say you are the daughters of those who run the Alton Line. Well! You’ll find no comfort here. Your bed will be that of the humblest. No downy mattress, soft pillows, or the rock of a Pullman Palace Car to send you to sleep. Your fare will be plain and simple, your beverage nature’s stream. No dining-car lunches at seventy-five cents a meal, which ought to cost $2.00. No delicacies out of season, or fine wines iced, as you get on that line. Your service must be done by yourselves. No obsequious porters will brush your boots or carry about your bundle. And so, if you think well of this, there are here one hundred maidens fair who are prepared to love and welcome you. Will you try to give the fullness of your love to them? ALL—Indeed we will. PRINCESS—Then you are welcome. ( Exit Princess. The men burst out laughing and do a bit of a breakdown. Lady Psyche enters back and looks at them with amazement. ) LADY P.—These ladies are unseemly in their mirth. FLORIAN—It’s all up, Hilarion! Here is my sister. HILARION—Then make a virtue of necessity, and take her in our confidence. FLORIAN—( To Lady Psyche. ) Psyche! why don’t you know me, your brother, Florian? PSYCHE—( Amazed. ) Florian. ( They embrace. ) What are you doing here? Oh, dear! You know it is death for any man to be found within these walls. How did you get here? FLORIAN—By the ever reliable Chicago and Alton Railroad, of which I am a humble but devoted employe. PSYCHE—Oh, dear! Then you are an Alton man ( looking at him with admiration ). I always thought you would be something great some day. But who are these? HILARION—I am Prince Hilarion, of the Alton Line also. Your early playfellow, and the betrothed of your Princess. PSYCHE—I might have known you were an Alton man. To imitate their bearing is impossible. Listen! and I will tell you the history of a man who once tried to rival a Chicago and Alton man: [SONG.] An Alton man of lineage high Was aped by a rival in days gone by. The man was radiant as the sun, The rival was an unsightly one. So it would not do, His scheme fell through To the world when his scheme took formal shape; Expressed such terror At his monstrous error That he stammered his apology and made his ’scape, The picture of a disconcerted ape. With a view to rise in the Railway scales, He washed his collar and cut his nails. He bought a uniform and made it shine, And swore that he belonged to the Alton Line. But it would not do, His scheme fell through, For the Alton man was beauty’s king, With graceful manners, Like Lord John Manners, While the rival lacked the metal ring, And always remained a puny thing. He bought white ties and he bought new boots, And he dressed himself in bran-new suits; Then he put C. & A. on all his things, And he bought a pin and diamond rings. But it would not do, His scheme fell through, For the Alton man whom the rival aped Was a radiant being, Well worth seeing, While the rival King, however shaped, At best was an Alton man ill-aped. THERE WAS MY PORTER GRINNING. AN ALTON DART. IN BATTLE ARRAY. THE FIGHT. ( They do another breakdown, during which enter Princess at back. She looks on in amazement. ) PSYCHE—( Looks at her terrified. ) All is lost! PRINCESS—What is this? It seems to me that female garb become you ladies ill. I don’t think I ever saw a gentlewoman do a breakdown before. HILARION—We hope to become young ladies soon. PRINCESS—But are not now? HILARION—( Throws off his robe, and then throws himself at the feet of the Princess. ) ’Tis useless to dissemble farther. We are merely men. I am Prince Hilarion, your betrothed, and these two are my friends. PRINCESS—( Screaming. ) Men! and Alton men at that! Ring the bell! Fire the alarm guns, and have the Army of Amazons take them to the most secret cells and annihilate them. ( Loud turmoil; enter all the girls running frightened. They catch sight of the three Alton men, and immediately fall prostrate at their feet and regard them with languishing eyes. ) PRINCESS—Summon my henchmen! ( They come. ) Seize and bind them. ( They do it. ) And now, adventurous men, much as I admire your shape and venerate the line you represent, you must die ( with emotion ). My principles must be observed. So take them off. ( Loud noise heard outside; enter girls running with fright. ) MELISSA—Princess! There is an armed force at the gates of the castle, just arrived by the St. Louis express and headed by King Hilderbrandt. They demand admittance. PRINCESS—Refuse it. ALL—Too late. ( A loud crash is heard; enter King Hilderbrandt with his army of Chicago and Alton conductors, armed to the teeth. In the centre they drag Arac , Guron and Synthius , chained together. ) HILD.—( Coming down. ) Some years ago, No doubt you know (And if you don’t I’ll tell you so), You gave your troth Upon your oath To Hilarion my son. A vow you make You must not break (If you think you may, it’s a great mistake), For a bride’s a bride, Though the knot were tied At the early age of one! And I’m a peppery kind of king, Who’s indisposed for parleying To suit the wit of a bit of a chit, And that’s the long and the short of it! PRINCESS—( Irresolutely—the girls meanwhile look with loving eyes at the conductors. ) I still refuse! ITS RESULT. HILARION I SURRENDER. ( Arac , Guron and Synthius come down .) ARAC— We may remark, though nothing can Dismay us, That if you thwart this gentleman He’ll slay us. We don’t fear death, of course, we’re thought To shame it. But still, upon the whole, we thought We’d name it. ALL— Yes! yes! Better perhaps to Name it. GURON— This gentleman controls a Line— A stunner. With splendid bed and track as fine— A hummer. We hate his line, but still we must Propound it. The Alton is a line to trust— Confound it. (TOGETHER.) Yes! yes! In spite of that, confound it. SYNTHIUS— We wish its trade was light and slack— It isn’t. Its service bad, with moldy track— It isn’t. But give to Cæsar what is due, Yes, rend it. We really must, and strongly too, Commend it. (TOGETHER.) Yes! yes! yes! Darn their eyes, Commend it. ALL— The Alton is a road, as such None beat it. St. Louis is a point they touch, Repeat it. And if you doubt they’ll get you there You’ll rue it, For when they say they’ll get you there, They’ll do it. (TOGETHER.) Yes! yes! yes! Devil doubt They’ll do it. PRINCESS—I still refuse! PSYCHE—Madame! your father claims an audience; he has just followed King Hilderbrandt on the Denver Express. PRINCESS—Admit him. ( Enter Gama .) GAMA—Free as a tethered ass. I dare not keep this up. I dare not face the malignity of this devil, Hilderbrandt. PRINCESS—He has treated you well, father. Even a wretched man, when he belongs to the Alton Line, is always a gentleman. GAMA—Yes! yes! But he has made my life a curse. Think of it, I had nothing whatever to grumble at. [SONG.] The more I try I can’t deny, Altho’ I’m very spiteful, I’m bound to say The livelong day, The Alton is delightful. Now, when a man Does all he can, A rival line despising, And in reply They fete him—why It’s hard, there’s no disguising. Oh! don’t the day seem blank and long, When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, And isn’t your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at? When in a car Above the par, Officials are quite pleasing. And when a line You hate is fine, It’s surely very teasing. They treat me well, Ah! what a sell, I thought they’d be ungracious. But not a bit— They strained their wit To make my thoughts fallacious. Oh! don’t the day seem blank and long, When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, etc., etc. The Alton whirls The pretty girls From eyes that are repining. And takes the best Of travel West In cars with chairs reclining. A dining-car Without a jar, And coaches really tasteful. A splendid track Both there and back, Now isn’t that disgraceful? Oh! don’t the day seem blank and long, etc., etc. When off to bed They gently led Me to a couch bewitching, I prayed they might, At least, that night, The holy train be ditching. But fate was there, We sped like air, And nothing happened tragic, And then I wept, And then I slept, And dreamt the line was magic. Oh! don’t the day, etc., etc. When morning came, ’Twas just the same, There was my porter grinning; I called him Sam, And muttered Dam, He really looked so winning; I looked around, And there I found A car of pleasant faces; It seemed their bent To be content, In spite of my grimaces. Oh! don’t the day, etc., etc. BOARDING THE ALTON TRAIN AFTER THE WEDDING. AN IMPROMPTU WEDDING. HILARION WELCOMES IDA TO THE ALTON LINE. PRINCESS—Poor father! how you must have suffered. GAMA—Yes, my child, and the only thing to do is to surrender. We must capitulate. I have often heard that opposition to the Alton line is futile, and now I know it. ( Enter Hilarion .) PRINCESS—Hilarion, I surrender. My heart was with you long ago, but my principles forbade it. Take me. HILDERBRANDT—Then we will have an impromptu wedding. Everybody who wants to marry everybody else can do so. ( The remark is a signal for every girl in the party to throw her arms around the neck of the nearest conductor. ) GAMA—And take my advice, make your wedding trip over the Chicago and Alton Line. ALL—We will. GAMA—Hereafter, consider Castle Adamant yours. You may make it a coupon station, if you please, and advertise it as a pleasure resort. ( The organ is heard; a procession formed, and the entire party indulge in an impromptu wedding, after which the Chicago and Alton train for Chicago is boarded, and everybody starts upon a trip, which cannot but bring them happiness. ) Moral. An official of the Alton Road is irresistible. RETURN TO CHICAGO. THE RECEPTION. TWENTY YEARS LATER. THE END *** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A PARODY ON PRINCESS IDA *** Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will be renamed. Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™ concept and trademark. 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