DeusEx Saved My Life: A Feminist-Autoethnography of Video-Gaming Through Major Depressive Disorder

Autoethnographic accounts of mental illness (MI) are sparse in academic scholarship, despite generating valuable insights into how MI can be experienced and coped with in real-life contexts. First-person accounts from men are especially lacking, possibly linked to historic trend for masculine stoicism stifling male MI discussions. Some scholarships explore video-gaming as a positive, escapist aid benefiting individuals experiencing major depressive disorder (MDD). However, no research exists presenting in-depth perspectives on possible positive effects, self-identified and articulated by actors engaging with gaming to cope with MDD. This research adopts a novel qualitative perspective, representing an in-depth autoethnographic examination of my experiences playing the personal computer game DeusEx, during a period of my life where I was under treatment for MDD. My positions as both a psychologist specializing in research prioritizing feminist theory as applied to understand men, masculinities, and mental health, and someone themselves recurrently treated for MDD over longer than 22 years, construct a unique dual-positionality perspective. Explicit discussions of my MDD experiences and my experiences concerning the value of video-gaming as a positive, escapist aid during MDD are presented, alongside personal deconstructions of the lasting influences of hegemonic masculinity upon men speaking up about MI. Arguments are presented for future scholars utilizing autoethnographic methods to generate realist perspectives, normalizing mental health discussions, particularly the sharing of underrepresented male experiences. Implications for future scholarship, building upon learnings generated by this research, are developed and put forward.